Sun, Sea, Serenity

I have returned older, darker, emotionally lighter and probably physically heavier! :-O

Just before my trip, SR and I had what I would deem the final blow for me. After months of him avoiding me like the plague after hiscryptic message, ignoring myemails, not acknowledging my admission about his place in my life (andsuggesting he did all this as a result of what impressionsImay or may not have given him - "wanting my space", apparently), he made his first attempt at communication recently. Set in this context, his opening line felt incredibly inconsiderate and below the belt:

"Believe it or not, I fell in love two months ago"

....and she broke his heart hours earlier by calling it off.

So, he got in touch to tell me....!

Am I alone here in thinking this was distasteful and arrogant of him? Under different circumstances I would have been more than willing to lend an ear - as I had done in the past when he recounted disaster date stories. But, seriously? In the scheme of things perhaps a little consideration first; perhaps contemplate actions in context of the situation? It blew my mind but before I turned into Sub-Zero I made sure to check he was OK - no overwhelming grief leading to suicidal tendencies, only disappointment.

Amazingly, his latest masterpiece seems to be all that was needed to remove that pedestal I had firmly placed him on. He is no longer an exception in my mind but another ordinary man I met in passing; he has now assumed human form. It may not seem much but it was enough to let me let go completely. Even of our "friendship" (a term I now use loosely also with him, as I did with A). It's odd and surreal to be able to sit here now and see it from the "outside". Didn't think mere disappointment in someone could hurl my idea of them back to earth.It is actually quite a liberating feeling.I felt so stuck and couldn't move forward. I realise now I banked so much on his being so "ideal".

So, naturally,I spent a lot of time during my trip thinking about the ex, marriage and the men before and after. I feel I have unwittingly taken myself on ajourney to rediscover why I settled on my husband; why had I thought he was my "One" - was he? Throughout the past year I've revisited old flames, met new flames and, with every encounter, discovered another reason the ex had stood out from the crowd.

I realised, interestingly, my acquaintances over the past year have reinforced that my ex is a cut above the rest. The selfishness that is A, the arrogance that is SR, and the inconsiderate that was He-Man all reaffirm this; reaffirm that my ex is a better man. Perhaps this is what I needed to see to recognise he is wonderful and my 'One'. I chose him as my 'One' because there was never any doubt in my mind while we dated that I was his priority. And he was mine. Did I need to meet the likes of A and SR to realise I made the right decision in marrying the ex? So perhaps this is a temporary glitch. We may have fallen off track but it could only be momentary? At least now I feel I am heading closer to a direction of sorts. Seems I've cleared my way back to finding the original love I felt for my ex.

At the same time, I realise I didn't leave my ex for another man but to be alone. So, how do I reconcile these two opposing lifestyle choices?

-xox-